When I was a kid, film classifications made sense, and they didn't give you the kid-glove treatment.You were just expected to know what a rating meant. A U was for kids, a PG might be a bit iffy for some younger kids, and 12s, 15s and 18s were just obvious.
But these days, you get three paragraphs of blurb with every film certification. The first memory I have of this was for the first Lord Of The Rings film, which was 'Rated PG: May not be suitable for under 8s.'
That's just about acceptable because it makes sense to warn about how old a child should be before seeing something rated PG unaccompanied.
But lately, it's getting ridiculous. Take Finding Nemo.
The box for Finding Nemo, a U-rated film, states that the film contains 'mild peril.'
Mild peril.
How impossibly nervous a child must you have to require warning over mild peril? The film is a U for goodness' sake, how bad can it be?
Even stupider was the introduction of the 12A rating around the time The Bourne Identity came out. A 12A was a film in which, if accompanied by an adult, a child under 12 can go see it.
Isn't that basically a more-officially legislated PG? So what's the point?
Despite the thesis-length explanations on the back of our DVDs, however, our film certification will never be as stupid as America's, which is in part hampered by its relentlessly conservative outlook on things.
First, a little bit of background. In America, censorship makes no sense. If you're on at the right time of night, on the right network, with the right censors, you can swear up a storm and probably shoot your own baby in the face without any problems.
But show a bit of boob for less than a second, a boob on which the nipple was covered anyway, and you will experience a world of pain.
This means that while you can say the c-word and show totally naked men and women on British TV on virtually any channel after 9pm, in America even in films you hardly see any of that.
So to the certifications of American films. You have G-rated movies, which anyone can watch. PG is the same as ours, basically.
Then there's PG-13 which means anyone can see it as long as those under 13 are accompanied by an adult.
But then, there's R-rated, which means people 17 and over can see it... and anyone under that age can see it if they're with a guardian. How impossibly stupid is that?
And God help you if you have a film rated higher than an R, because if it is, no one will see it.
Seriously. Thousands of cinemas across America simply won't show your film if it's rated NC-17.
Simply preposterous.
So yeah. A random, shapeless, gibbering rant for your delectation.
(Photos from flickr courtesy of j-fin and phil d)
